Exercise Band + Liposuction Song
I have had one of those stretchy exercise bands for over a year now. Two nights ago, while cleaning my apartment, I decided that I would wash all the dust off of it and try to use it. It seems like quite a handy exercise tool for various group exercise classes, and I figured I could do some resistance work while watching TV. Unfortunately, I had no program to follow and my yoga mat has a bunch of dust on it, so I sat on the couch and moved my arms over my head and did a bit of stretching, moving my arms out to the side. It was not much of a work out at all. I think I would be better off doing the soup can workout. I don’t think I can do more push-ups yet, not even the lady ones. I did put on running clothes on the weekend though, I went to the grocery store and ran ~2% of the total distance travelled. This is not a lot, but 2% is greater than 0%, so I consider that to be a successful endeavour. For several days afterwards, my legs were sore from exertion. I am not exaggerating. I’m pretty sure my thighs are smaller, which is good because I can sort of wear one more pair of pants now– “sort of wear” means that I am able to put the pants on, but I cannot eat anything and sitting is not very comfortable- it results in a large dent in my abdomen. Sadly, the fact that I can sort of wear those pants, but cannot run very far, also means I’ve lost a lot of muscle mass, while keeping all the fat. Nice. All of this thinking about fat reminds me of the Liposuction Song from the Kids In The Hall. I can’t believe this is not all over the interweb. It’s one of the best comedy songs ever. There’s no youtube video, but there is a fan transcript here: http://www.kithfan.org/work/transcripts/two/liposuction.html. If you have the DVDs, it’s in Season Two, Episode 8.
Liposuction
Obtained from: Kids in the Hall FAQ
Transcribed by: Tom WalshCast:
- Scott– Husband
- Bruce– Bruce
- Kevin– Singer 1
- Dave– Singer 2
- Mark– Surgeon
Scott: I love this cake, my darling.Bruce: I know. It’s 3 layers; it tastes like 4.
Scott: Oh, you know what? That cake is just like you. You’ve 2 layers and you taste like 5.
Bruce: You’re 7 and you seem like 11.
Scott: Oh, I love you.
Bruce: Oh, this is going to be the best anniversary ever
Scott: Oh, give me a kiss. [Kisses her hand.]
[Kevin and Dave enter.]
Kevin: I couldn’t help but overhear that this is your anniversary. A beautiful flower for a beautiful lady. [Hands her a rose.]
Bruce: Oh, that’s so nice.
Kevin: I have a song. It’s very personal and close to me and I would like to share it with you at this special moment. May I be permitted to sing it for you?
Bruce: That would be just wonderful.
Kevin: Maybe one day, this will happen to you. Rolando?
Kevin and Dave: It’s important to me… That the both of you see… The process of… Liposuction!
[couple looks uncomfortable]
[Cut to: Surgeon holds up photo of marked body]
Kevin and Dave: Liposuction! Liposuction! Here’s how you begin Make a cut in the skin
[Cut to: surgeon holds up another photo]
Kevin and Dave: Liposuction! An incision the size of a dime. How you doing? I’m doing fine! Then you insert the hose. Suck out human fat globules.
[Cut to: another photo]
Kevin and Dave: That’s liposuction! If you’re over 300 pounds, and you’re hiding it under big gowns, what do you do? [to Scott]
Scott: Liposuction!
Kevin and Dave: What is that? [to Bruce]
Bruce: Fat reduction.
Kevin and Dave: But you better stop sucking soon, before you’re sucked down to the size of a prune
[Cut to Mark: another photo]
Mark: Prune …
[Cut back.]
Kevin: Here’s your complementary bag of fat, brought to you by…
Kevin and Dave: Liposuction!
Kevin: Be a pig!
Kevin and Dave: Liposuction!
Kevin: Crush your lover!
Kevin and Dave: Liposuction!
Kevin: Look at me! [shows liposuction scars]
Kevin and Dave: Liposuction!
Kevin: Be a pig!
Kevin and Dave: Liposuction!
Kevin: Crush your lover!
Kevin and Dave: Liposuction!
Kevin: Look at me! [shows liposuction scars]
Kevin and Dave: Liposuction!
[Scott and Bruce rise and leave]
Kevin and Dave: What do you do?
Liposuction
What is that?
It’s fat reduction.
What do you do?
Liposuction.
What is that?
It’s fat reduction.
What do you do?
Liposuct!
