Ugh: Details from the Worst Finale Ever
The purpose of the last episode of 7th Heaven is to disgust people every 5-10 minutes.
-Matt squirts 1/2 cup of mayonnaise onto a sandwich
-Flashback of Mary trying to practice kissing with Matt– her BROTHER, in the backyard.
-Umberto talking
-Umberto kissing Rose on the lips.
-Umberto kissing Rose on the hand.
Commercial Break
Simon declares that he and Rose almost broke up last night, but in the end decided to get married. Simon compares getting married to jumping off a bridge to his death, but now he thinks it will be like jumping into a new life.
Lucy and Matt gang up on Simon and tell him he doesn’t love Rose and they shouldn’t get married. Or something. Then Simon says ‘I love Rose, but…’
OH. MY. GOD. Get rid of the Umberto asshat. He tells Eric that he’s going to try and talk Simon out of marrying Rose. He’s already propositioned her several times in the last few episodes and in the beginning of this episode. Umberto declares his love for Rose to Eric.
Annie and Eric start fantasizing about how the wedding will NOT happen. Enter the fake wedding fantasies:
Eric fantasizes that Simon wavers and Rose threatens to kill Simon if he leaves her. Annie sees Rose backing out at the alter.
Next, Eric fantasizes Mary will burst into the church to say that the marriage isn’t right. And Eric thinks Mary is so dumb that she can’t remember what a globe is called. End fantasy. In real time, they decide they should just go see what happens and Eric calls Annie ‘babe.’ EW.
This has got to be the WORST finale ever. They did a total mind fuck with the audience. After the three idiotic wedding fantasies they cut to the reception and allude to the fact that they’ve never seen a wedding like that before and crap like that. So you don’t know what happened at the wedding. Then they announce that everybody is having twins, Mary, Lucy and Sarah. Carlos is talking to Mary on the phone and we find out Mary is graduating from college this weekend too, but it’s a secret from the rest of the family. She wants it to be a surprise. The Scottish boy shows up again to hit on Ruthie and he uses nail polish remover to get rid of the drawn-on mustaches that the Twins put on at the beginning of the episode.
They show Simon and Rose together and they look happy, so you think they got married, then they do their first dance, then the father cuts in, then Umberto cuts in, and Simon looks from the side with Eric and Annie. Eric asks if those two will get married and Simon says yes, because Rose wants to get married.
Then Sandy comes in with the baby and tells Simon they have to talk, alluding to the fact that the baby might be Simon’s or something, but that’s the last line of the show. The last line of the show went to the idiot Sandy. WORST SHOW EVER.
Then they spent some money on a crane shot to pull away from the scene, and miraculously all the guests at the reception that were there 10 minutes ago, have disappeared. They also spent money on a Roy Orbison song to roll over the ‘then and now’ clips of the cast.
